Becoming

That title just came to me as I opened up a blank post page.

I really didn’t know what I was going to write about, and the Fish en Papillote I made last night came to mind. I thought “I’m becoming a cook”, but now I realize I’m becoming so much more.

Back when my life was normal, when I had a husband of 20+ years, two kids, a house, etc. I never thought about becoming anything else. I was happy in a “this is a pretty good life” kind of way. Did I want more? Sure, I guess. Maybe win the lottery, or become a writer. But for the most part, I was floating in the stream of life and following it to a foregone conclusion.

Then I tumbled over a waterfall.

The next six years were ones of struggle, of swimming against the flow of water, of being held down only to come up gasping for air, crashing against rocks and tree branches. (By the way, this analogy is exactly why I have refused to even consider white water rafting. And on this last Adventure Weekend, they had a great time on a small-ish river. This would have been perfect for me, but I chose a sedate horseback ride. Which is why I need to think more about checking it off my bucket list, even though I don’t freaking want it on my bucket list. The things you’re scared of are the things you need to try. At least once.)

So here I am, on the other side, or at least not panicking and struggling against the stream any more. I’m back to floating, but not in an innocent “there’s no rapids up ahead” way. I know they’re there, and I’m prepared.

I just realized I use a lot of water analogies in my writing. Hmmm . . .

For me, preparedness starts with lists, with organization. When my head is chaotic, a clean and organized house is like a Zen retreat. I feel calmer just walking in the door. I hate to say it, but I have wanted to be alone for awhile. And now I am. It can be tough – I really would like an excuse to just go out to dinner and drinks sometimes instead of cooking a nutritious meal and making sure I drink enough water. But you know what? It mostly feels really, really good.

I spent this afternoon reworking my kind of Bullet Journal into several lists: Home / Personal / Travel. I’m still not sold on computerized lists; I need to have a notebook in front of me. So now I will carry my Bullet Journal along with my Dreambook & Planner.

I purchased the Dreambook online on a whim. Basically, it’s have a plan and follow your dreams. I started it a couple of months ago, and some of the questions made me uncomfortable. Where do you see yourself in five years? What kind of personal relationships will you have? It was really hard to be honest, with the book, with myself. I had to admit I was unhappy, and didn’t see it going on forever. Or, God forbid, I’d just be unhappy forever.

So now, I’m becoming. Becoming the next version of me. Single, hopefully comfortable in my own skin, and doing the things I want to do. I started my at-home ukulele course last night, and got the darn thing tuned without too much trouble. And it was fun. I didn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought – except for the slightly perplexed looks on the dogs’ faces.

I cheated a bit on dinner and used pre-made vegan ravioli with my favorite store bought marinara sauce. But it fell in line with my nutritional intake for the day, so why not? Not every day is Fish en Papillote, although damn, if that wasn’t easy and delicious! And it reheats well for lunch too, so I made three meals in less than 30 minutes prep and cook time.

I also bought all the supplies I need to start my own Kindness Rocks project. I saw this on Facebook a couple of months ago, and now I’m ready to make the time to create some. I love crafts, and this looks like the best kind: simple, quick, and very satisfactory. I’m going to send one (or two) to Mr. 21 over in Afghanistan. I’m thinking “May The Force Be With You” ha ha ha.

And if I’m stepping up the writing, I need to go back to the crash course on WordPress I started a few months ago. So far it’s been pretty simple, but I find the program overall to be complicated and confusing.

I’m becoming. Becoming another revised version of me. I like where I’m going.

My Fish En Papillote

P.S. I really, really, really recommend The Kitchen Counter Cooking School. Even if you’re not a fan of cooking, it’s a really enjoyable book! I can’t find the recipe from the book anywhere online and I don’t have a recipe card plug in. I will post soon!

About DeniseV

Hi, I'm Denise. I created this blog to accompany me through the adventure of middle age and beyond. A San Diego native, I dream of retiring to Kaua'i. In the mean time, I travel as much as possible, tend to my day job as a small business owner, and enjoy free time with my second husband and our combined four kids.

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