I started this post last month. Before. Before hate trumped love, before people scared of (r)evolution crept out of their hidey holes and voted for a madman. So there’s a new thing to worry about. A very big new thing.
Recently, a title in an e-mail caught my eye: 58 Things You Should Stop Worrying About. I thought: wait, what? There are 58 things? Is this all together, or is it 58 MORE things that I haven’t been worrying about? Because I’ve got a lot on my plate right now, especially with the damn election results.
Turns out, the article was a compilation of articles, aimed mostly at younger women under 30. If I haven’t figured those out by now, reading an article and worrying about them in the past tense isn’t going to help.
I have always been a worrier. World class, in fact. I even pride myself on it! I feel that worrying keeps bad things from happening, like I am one worry away from the apocalypse. I have spent many years keeping mankind on track, away from the edge. I would say you’re welcome, but now I’ve let us all down.
I was starting to consider myself a reforming worrier. I’ve become more conscious of it. In the past nine months, but really more over the summer, I started to realize the futility of this kind of thinking. I learned to talk myself through it, rather than just try to let it go, or fester. I’m so not a “let it go” kind of person.
And then the election happened. If only I’d worried more, we might have avoided this tragedy. And not worrying more means now I have a lot more worrying to do for the next four years. It’s a vicious, ugly cycle.
I haven’t been sleeping this week. I wake up at 3:00 a.m., and start thinking. And worrying. This morning, I decided to just get up and write. I’m hoping it will help.
Here’s one of the things that worries me most right now. So many of my friends on Facebook are trying to justify voting for Donald Trump. They are saying things like “you don’t unfriend someone over a difference of opinion”, or “I don’t like the way he acts, but I think he will help the economy”.
In my book, there is NO justification for voting for a racist, misogynistic, homophobic bully. It’s like saying “well, yeah, his policies on Jews suck, but Hitler is really going to get our economy in shape”. You can’t justify one to get the other. I can’t help but look at people a little bit differently when I find out they voted for him; when they post about tolerance and friendship and love. The two things are so diametrically opposed to one another.
But I’m not above finding the humor in this situation. Right when I start exploring the meaning of life, when I start to become more aware, when I start allowing myself to really think and feel and grow, fate throws a big orange-headed blowhard in my face. I feel like it’s a ticking time bomb or a hot grenade that I can’t get a hand on to throw away. Well-played universe, well-played.
So, here we all are, post apocalypse, and I’m worried. But I’m going to try to pull myself back from the edge. Being strung this tight is not helping me, or anyone else. Breathe in, breathe out, unclench my jaw . . .
I received this picture along with several others yesterday from a photo share website. It calms me down. The colors of blue, the imagined feel of the water, the smell of the ripe pineapple, the warmth of the sun. This just might be a picture of my slice of heaven. When I think about being in the picture, every worry, every thing on every to-do list, dissolves. I am the pineapple, floating happily along, and not knowing any different.
I’ve deleted quite a bit of what I wrote previously in this post. It’s a new world, and I’m going to be a worrier for a while longer. However, I do know I have the tools to help myself out of this pit of despair. I’m going to bounce back, better for the experience, in that my empathy for others will be even deeper. Hopefully, at some point, that will include Trump supporters, but there’s really only so much one soft-hearted liberal woman can do all by herself.
We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
We’re all in this together. We’ve got to keep making the world a better place. We’ve got a lot more work to do, but we can do it. Together.